ACME Shoe Scraper!

Our friends at ACME have really outdone themselves! This month we’re proud to offer you our ACME Universal Shoe Scraper. No other company in the world puts so much advanced research and development time into their products – I know you’ll agree.

You’ve all seen it happen… you’re out for your nightly walk and your master is off in la-la land. Strolling along with his brand new Nikes with not a care in the world.

You, of course see it coming a mile away.

SQUISH!

Don’t they ever see it??

Then it’s the same look on their faces… a mix of horror, surprise and the sudden realization that they spent $125 on some vinyl and rubber because the salesperson told them these shoes have the DEEPEST treads on the planet…  Suddenly he looks at you like you were supposed to warn him. At this point it’s best to act like you just spotted a hot dog growing on a bush across the street. DO NOT make eye-contact.

Don’t fret! Our friends at ACME understand the shortcomings of the human mind like the back of your paw. This is exactly why they have just rolled out:

The ACME Universal Shoe Scraper™ (AUSS)

This puppy does one thing and one thing ONLY; It cleans the bottoms of your master’s shoes no matter what they have managed to step on.

The heart of this amazing device is the 4 inch titanium shaft covered with 60,000 stainless steel bristles. The shaft rotates at a nearly ‘vibration-free’ 72,000 RPM’s and is GUARANTEED to clean the bottom of any shoe regardless of what is stuck to the bottom.

You’re probably wondering “What makes the shaft spin?” - Good question! This is ACME’s little secret but in a rare interview ACME spokesperson Gerry Gimblesnigger says ‘It’s the twin 650HP diesels that do the bulk of the work.” And, he adds – “The whole unit is not as big as you’d think. Assuming most human houses are 2 stories and average about 1500 SF, out AUSS would blend right in – looking like an oversized 2 car garage.”

Gerry continues “You can set up the business end of the AUSS just about anywhere but ACME does recommend you place the unit away from water, flammable materials, children and pets. They also suggest installing the unit as near to a hospital or emergency medical facility as possible. (WARNING! in rare circumstances the vacuum force produced by the patented ‘Instant-On’ motor has the potential of ‘processing’ anything within 30 feet weighing less that 386 pounds). But don’t let this discourage you. Each installation kit comes with a basic emergency medical booklet.

Set-up is a snap and all the tools, meters, diagnostic hardware, oscilloscopes, digital sensors, ultrasound unit, dynamic balancers, probes, gauges, multimeters, software (upgradeable) and hardware come bundled with the 6 volume ‘Quick-Start’ guide.

Aaron Appleswibbler (CEO of ACME) says – “It’s really worth the set up time and 2 months is NOT a long time when you consider the quality of this device. Remember it took years to build the pyramids and they don’t even ‘DO’ anything.

The real pay back is when you step back and can proudly say “I built it myself!” What a great feeling. (actually, you have no option – assembly is required)

Many dogs have mentioned that you can pick up any small stick and clean a turd off a shoe. Sure, I can’t argue with that

but keep in mind that the throughput on the AUSS is 800 shoes per second! Try that with a stick…

So, what will a basic AUSS set you back? Aaron continues, “Remember, think of the AUSS as an investment. Don’t get hung up on all those zeros and commas on the price tag. A clean shoe bottom has VALUE and that does not translate easily into dollars and cents.

ACME has a full range of payment plans to suit every budget. Credit bad? No problem. Call 1-800-ACMENOW and speak to one of our financial counselors. ACME credit advisors are highly trained to ease you through the initial sticker shock and then work out a payment plan so your master can begin living a worry-free life knowing that no matter what he steps in he is literally seconds away from squeaky clean shoe bottoms!

The Zen Dog

The Zen Dog

Peace!

This month I’d like to introduce you to the Zen Koan.

What is a Koan you ask? Many dogs believe this is where humans put Ice Cream…. and that’s partly true, but a Zen Koan is much more. A Koan is a question that seems at first to have no answer. (example: Why are you chewing my slippers?)

You must think deeply about important stuff (like hot dogs and biscuits) to unravel the mystery of a Koan. Each dog may come up with his or her own answer.

Here’s this months Koan-

If a Dog is chewing a crispy piece of toast and there are no humans around… does it make any sound?

/The Zen Dog

Training Your Master

Training your Master

This month we begin a special feature on training. Our first exercise is:

HOW TO TEACH YOUR MASTER TO WALK SLIGHTLY BEHIND YOU.

This technique has several advantages:

1. If you’re walking along with your master and you spot something on the ground several feet ahead (example: a discarded piece of hot dog) you will have a greater advantage of reaching that object first for some quality sniffing time (or if you’re lucky, a rapid gulp-down) This is only possible if you are walking slightly ahead.

2. When your master is slightly behind you their arm is extended which will provide them the necessary stretch and strengthening exercise which will later be useful for playing stick or fetch games.

3. You always know where your master is! …. Behind you! No need to wonder, “Where’s my master?” (A great stress reducer)

4. Other humans will think to themselves, “Oh my… that person must really love their little doggie. Look at the way they are always running after them!”

It must be clear by now how important it is to train your master to walk slightly behind you so let’s get right down to the techniques.

If your master is like mine, they will generally begin the training exercise with the common misconception that they are in charge. You may find yourself having to sit right beside them on their left side! Try and be patient because their stress will become apparent when they look down at you with stern eyes and say “Heel!”

Poor dears. It seems the fresh air and sunshine is a bit too much and suddenly they are unable to distinguish you from a part of their feet. It is interesting to note that dog psychologists used to recommend forging ahead to get away from deranged humans. Today we know that it’s stress that makes them confuse us with their heel.

Next, your master will begin walking in a straight line expecting you to follow closely as if you were stapled to their pants. All this is very odd indeed and your best tactic is to correct this behavior before it gets out of hand – here’s how:

Simply walk a little ahead and remember your master is under a great deal of stress. It is reported that some humans often begin pulling the leash and repeating ‘Heel! Heel!” over and over. Puppies and inexperienced dogs should exercise extreme caution. A human who is out in broad daylight repeating body part words may snap and have to be treated at a clinic.

Remember, training humans to walk slightly behind you is 80% art and 20% science. Once mastered this technique is a sight to behold. Advanced techniques such as the ‘Harley Head Dip’, the ‘Fido Fade-Away’, and the ‘Lucky Leash-Lock’ will take your breath away…. Makes a simple walk in the park look like a ballet!

The Dog Psychic Hotline

THE DOG PSYCHIC HOTLINE
Before we begin, let me start out with a word about this month’s sponsor.

The Dog Psychic Hotline! When you dial this toll-free number you’re just a tail wag away from knowing the workings of your inner mind.

Don’t think you have an ‘inner mind’?

Don’t worry! The dog psychics will make something up so by the time you hang up you’ll think you’ve just been through a Vulcan Mind Meld.

• Do you ‘run’ in your sleep?
• Stare out the window?
• Wag your tail for no apparent reason?

Our genuine Dog Psychics will explain to you exactly why you do these things. With our state of the art digital Radio Shack cassette tapes and a used answering machine we’ll answer these three questions no matter what you ask!

Is this for real?

Ha! We knew you we going to ask that! We’re Dog Psychics! Image how impressed you’ll be when you listen to our pre-recorded messages explaining exactly how you feel.

How do I call?

Is this spooky or what? I KNEW you’d ask that! Simply dial 1 888- NEED-MERCEDES. Your masters will probably notice the $50/minute charge on their phone bill.

Actually, as a Dog Psychic I can pretty much tell you in advance they WILL notice it. Amazing.

(Call takes about 2 hours, puppies under 6 months old must have permission from their mothers, void in some locations, state and local taxes may apply)

How Dog’s Smell

HOW DOGS SMELL

There are two theories about how dogs use their noses to smell. One is the human version and one is the Dog version. Each will be explained below…

HOW DOGS SMELL -HUMAN VERSION
Let’s start with the human version. I’m sure all you dogs out there realize how our science oriented human companions attempt to explain everything by dissecting, analyzing and theorizing. According to humans, dogs have a tremendous sense of smell.

They credit us with the ability to be able to detect a drop of sweat 1/4 mile away and be able to track lost people from a tiny scrap of clothing. All these feats are explained by humans this way.

Moisture on the nose helps to capture scent, which is transmitted onto the nasal membranes, which cover the nose’s wafer thin turbinate bones. These bones have convoluted folds, ensuring that the tiniest amount of scent is captured within them. Sensory cells are closely packed along the nasal-membrane lining, and convert scent to chemical messages transmitted to the olfactory bulb region of the brain. Other scents are captured by the vomernasal organ above the roof of the mouth, and transmitted to the other parts of the brain.

HOW DOGS SMELL -DOG VERSION
I have done extensive research into canine smell and I believe the above explanation to be quite ludicrous.

Turbinate bones???
Convoluted folds???
Vomernasal organ???

They’ve got to be kidding!! Every dog knows there is only ONE moving part involved in our noses.

It’s called the H.D.S. which stands for Hot Dog Sensor. Located roughly somewhere in the nose this amazing sensor allows us to find Hot Dogs or similar high quality food stuffs necessary to what all dogs consider to be a healthy diet.

MYTHS…

I would now like to dispel a few myths that humans believe about our scenting abilities.

MYTH #1 - A dog can smell a drop of sweat 1/4 mile away.
TRUTH – Why on earth would any dog want to do that? (Do you know of any dog whose actually done this???)

MYTH #2 – Dogs can find lost people using only a scrap of their clothing as a guide.
TRUTH – Let’s set the record straight. How many times have you been watching the TV news and the announcers says “Dogs were called in to aid in the search efforts”. Now how many times have you actually SEEN a dog finding someone! I usually see a bunch of guys being pulled all over a field by a bunch of dogs who are simply looking for the nearest Hot Dog stand.

MYTH #3 – News Item! ‘Police dogs uncover 500 kilos of drugs’.
TRUTH – The drugs were hidden in a Hot Dog Vendor’s cart and the dogs accidentally uncovered them while having a break. – “Hey Butch! Is this white powder supposed to go on the hot dogs? Is it like mustard or somethin’??”

MYTH #4 – Dogs can smell 10,000 times better than humans.
TRUTH – If this is true than why do we have to go right up to a partially decomposed frog and sniff it?If our smell is so great you’d think we would be able to check out a dead frog from the moon.

ACME Biscuit Replicator

Acme Biscuit Replicator

This month we are pleased to introduce our newest sponsor:

THE ACME BISCUIT REPLICATOR

This unique device is a completely self contained, self oiling, and maintenance-free nuclear powered biscuit maker. This biscuit maker is easy to operate and features the patented Acme ‘One Button’ quick start.

Just press the green button and before you can blink your eye you’ll have enough biscuits to satisfy the needs of a dozen full grown Great Danes.

As you can see from the photo your masters will hardly know it’s installed thanks to our unique ‘blend into any decor design’!

Frequently Asked Question-

Q:Is this just another cheap plastic biscuit maker like I see advertised on TV?

A:No way! The Acme Biscuit Replicator housing is made from 1/4 inch titanium reinforced stainless steel. (NOTE: Check your local building codes. Your masters may have to reinforce your basement and apply for a tactical nuclear device permit)

Q:Listen, I really like biscuits. Can this gizmo keep up with my biscuit needs?

A:Yup! Output is measured in kilos of biscuits per second. Once your master hits that green patented quick start button there’s virtually no wait. From the ‘Power Saver’ mode it’s Instant On. A five second burst (minimum setting) will yield 60 kilos of biscuits. (Turbo charger option will give you 4X power)

Q:Are recipes included?

A:Sure thing. There are 12 basic biscuit recipes included. 

Q:How much does it cost?

A:Ask your masters if the term ‘second mortgage’ means anything to them. If they look puzzled- then ask them if they really had their hearts set on sending little Johnny to college?

The Acme Biscuit Replicator is not sold in stores. Our motto is “This is the Last biscuit maker you’ll ever own”. As a matter of fact if you make one small mistake setting it up it will be the last kitchen appliance of any kind you’ll have to deal with.

Contact your local, state, and Federal authorities for the proper permits. Various restrictions apply. Always use extreme caution when cleaning or disposing of nuclear core material. (Kitchen rubber gloves NOT suitable for this task) All sales final (believe me). For more information call toll free: 1 – 800 -QUICK BISCUIT

Dealer inquiries welcome
/Max

Honey gets Kelp….

 

 Michael Bosch of San Rafael, Calif., knew he had a loyal friend in his dog, Honey. But until Monday night, he didn’t know he had a savior too.

The cocker spaniel was with Bosch when he backed out a little too far from his driveway, sending his SUV plunging 40 feet into a remote ravine. The vehicle landed on its roof, pinning 63-year-old Bosch inside. 

“It was crushed pretty severely between the steering wheel and the stump that pierced the roof of the car and the dashboard,” said Tim Thompson of the Marin County Sheriff’s Department. 

But after several hours, Honey was able to escape when Bosch managed to roll down a window and told the dog to go for help. She ran half a mile to neighbor Robin Allen’s house. 

“She was bringing me here,” Allen said. “She was directing me.” 

By the time rescuers reached the scene, Bosch had been hanging upside down for more than six hours — and his pulse was weakening. Honey saved his life just in time. Ironically, Bosch had recently saved hers when he adopted her from a shelter two weeks ago. He had been waiting for a cocker spaniel puppy for more than a year. 

“She was brought in by her owner who couldn’t continue to care for her, just couldn’t afford to,” said Sheri Cardo of Marin Humane Society. 

By giving Honey a new home, Bosch gave himself a new lease on life. 

Exclusive Interview with Max

Max: Well, Honey – this is truly an amazing story!

Honey: Oh…thanks Max

Max: Listen Honey I don’t want to get too technical but the story says you were trapped for a couple of hours and the rescue squad showed up 6 hours after the accident. What happened during those 3 hours?

Honey: Well you see I got really hungry so I popped over to the house to throw a few hotdogs on the grill. I’m a real slow eater and Michael always tells me he doesn’t mind hanging around while I eat- “Take your time, Honey” he always says. So I figured he was really hanging around anyway so I had a nice relaxing meal.

Max: Wow… then what happened?

Honey: I walked to Robin’s house and you wouldn’t believe it but they were just sitting down to dinner. What timing! I ate a little more and then I remembered my special instructions.

Max: Well Honey it sure sounds like you really know your priorities. But tell me, what happened next.

Honey: Well I just headed right to the beach.

Max: The Beach? What for?

Honey: On account of what my Master kept saying to me.

Max: What was that?

Honey: Well you see we’re in the car and he’s looking at me kind of funny and his eyes are bugging out – he keeps saying in this raspy voice, ‘Honey, Go get kelp, go get kelp!’

Max: Honey! I think he was saying – Go get HELP, not KELP!

Honey: Oh. That sort of makes sense now – thanks for clearing that up Max. And that explains why all those humans showed with crowbars and flashing lights.

Max: Amazing Honey, thanks for stopping by and sharing that great adventure.

Zoe…bad dog

 

NYC pup named nation’s ‘bad dog’

New York

A New York City pup named Zoe has been named America’s Least Obedient Dog.

The 2-year old Shiba-Inu beat out a St. Bernard-Boxer named Milo from LaPorte, Ind. and a Jack Russell Terrier named Gigot from San Diego, California.

The finals were held in Madison Square Park in New York City.

Dog owners from across the country entered their misbehaving dogs at local search competitions in San Diego, Chicago and New York City.

Each dog contestant demonstrated its lack of prowess and a panel of judges determined the worst of the worst based on the following criteria: refuses to obey commands such as speak, paw/shake, lay down, sit, and beg; is loud/noisy and is lacking in restraint/discipline.

Max’s Interview with Zoe – A Max’s Chronicle Exclusive!

Max: So Zoe how does it feel to be America’s Least Obedient Dog?

Max: Zoe….Zoe…. ZOE!!!!!

Zoe: Did you say something?

Max: Look Zoe, have a seat, please. Our readers want to hear about how well you did. Actually how bad you did. Zoe! I said SIT!!!  SIT!!!

Zoe: Did you say something?

Max: Ok let’s try something easy. You don’t have to sit, just stay away from my master’s priceless antique porecalin collection… Zoe!!! No…no your leash is wrapped around the leg of the display case… Zoe…don’t move – please…whatever you do- don’t move a muscle!! Stay!

Zoe: Coming Max!

Max: Zoe! You haven’t done a thing I’ve asked – and now look at my masters collection…

Zoe: Cool! Did I win again??

7 Foot Dane

 

7-Foot Great Dane Is World’s Tallest Dog

A 3-year-old Great Dane in Sacramento, Calif., has been named the world’s tallest dog by Guinness Book of World Records.

The award-winning dog, named Gibson, stands 7 feet tall when upright, according to the report.

He was officially named the planet’s tallest dog Tuesday by officials with Guinness who flew to California from England to see Gibson.

Gibson’s owner, Sandy Hall, said she never dreamed Gibson would turn out to be the planet’s tallest dog. She said the dog is a gift.

“I’ve had Danes since 1981,” Hall said. “I’ve never seen anything like this –ever.”

Several neighbors in the county know about the record-holding dog, which dwarfs an average-sized golden retriever.

“I’ve seen him twice now, and he’s a really tall dog,” a neighbor said.

Gibson gives Exclusive interview with Max’s Chronicles:

Max: Well Gibson, what does it feel like to be the worlds tallest dog?

Gibson: Who said that?

Max: Gibson! Down here! Look down, will ya?

Gibson: Oh, OK I see you down there.

Max: So, Gib what’s it like?

Gibson: Well, I’ll be straight with you Max, this is no picnic. My neck is always killing me from trying to eat off the floor. There isn’t a hydrant in town I can pee on properly. My master has a Mini Cooper if you can believe that – it takes four humans to stuff me in. No one in the house is anywhere near tall enough to scratch behind my ears. I do my big business and they have to use a backhoe to clean up. I have to duck to go through doorways. My collar is too tight. The other day I snapped at what I thought was a fly and it turned out to be the cat. I swear the air is thinner up here, I’m dizzy all the time. And then…

Max: Gibson! Dude… you seem to have an attitue issue. 

Gibson: It’s really an ‘altitude’issue. But you’re right Max – I really shouldn’t complain – I’ll try and look at the bright side.

Max: That a boy Gibster – looking on the bright side should be easy for you – you’re closer the sun! Ha! Listen, thanks for stopping by for the interview, oh and Gibson, watch out for the low doorway… Gibson!  Duck!!

Thump   

Aliens!

 

Alien Attack from the Woodstove!

This is a true-life adventure that actually happened. There are no witnesses except my masters and me. This story was prevented from reaching the newspapers, TV and other media by a top-secret branch of the US Government! My friends…we are definitely NOT ALONE! 

It began innocently enough…my masters and I were having lunch when we were disturbed by a small scratchingsound. My ears perked up as I listened carefully. Thinking back on this seemingly unimportant event I now believe the sound we heard was nothing less than the landing gear of an alien spacecraft touching down in our chimney. As we continued lunch, the sounds grew louder and louder. Soon there was a full scale Code 1 emergency Alien alert being sound by yours truly. My ruff was up and my teeth bared… this was the real thing! 

My masters looked quite surprised as all eyes were riveted on the wood stove. It’s as if we were all expecting someone…or SOMETHING to come oozing out of the stove door. I for one wasn’t about to have my organs removed or the blood sucked slowly out of my body for some evil alien research project – oh no. This was a time for readiness. My masters got up from their chairs and we all backed away from the stove. We were standing about ten feet from the stove when the sounds started up once again. This time there were other sounds…crude squeaking or chirping sounds! I believe it was some sort of trick to make us think whoever or WHATEVER was in our stove needed help. This is a common technique that aliens use. We feel sorry for them, then the next thing you know you’re strapped to some surgical pad with a laser beam pointed at your dog biscuits! 

Anyway…there we were…protected by a mere ¼ inch of cast iron. 

Any alien phaser could make short work of that. Finally! My masters were making a plan! Now it’s really time to worry. Female master left the room to get something and master went to collect what I thought was going to be some high tech weaponry. A few moments later female master returned with…with…with… a FLY SWATTER??!! 

Now here’s master with…oh no!!!…A blanket??!! I’m thinking…”WOW, these should hold up real well against say…an alien death ray-gun”. If this is their best plan maybe I should wait outside…but no…I’m a loyal companion and I MUST stay with my masters even if they choose to battle evil aliens with a flyswatter and a blankie!

My masters gave me the command to guard the door as they walked slowly toward the stove. GREAT! Once they’re vaporized I’ll be left standing by the smoking door with nothing to protect me. Let me tell you pups there was so much tension in the air you could have chewed it like a rawhide bone. As master approached the stove, female master went to the windows and opened them. She then went around the room and carefully removed anything that was breakable- vases and pictures were all laid on the floor. This was serious…they were expecting a fight! 

When the battlefield was finally prepared they glanced at me…a knowing look passed between me and my masters…we fight to the end! Master unfolded the blanket and held it high in front of his body…female master armed only with a flimsy flyswatter went to the stove and opened the door… Suddenly there was a horrendous scream! In an instant there was one… 

NO two…NO THREE aliens in the living room! Master shouted “STARLINGS!!!!”. 

I instantly knew we were in big trouble…. We are earthlings but these terrible flying creatures are STARLINGS!!!. The action for the next few moments was fast and furious! The blanket shield held up surprisingly well and in the capable hands of female master the flyswatter proved to be more than a match against whatever evil devices the starling creatures had.

The whole battle lasted about 15 minutes (human time….about 1 hour dog time). I think I took a small hit on my shoulder…but I’ll be OK…my master said I bumped into the cabinet but I’m sure I was nicked by a ray gun blast…had I been a small dog I’m sure someone else would be telling you pups this story! The aliens left through the window…but I’m sure…THEY’LL BE BACK! 

/Max