Texas Drool Massacre

OK all you pups, we have to talk about it.

Everyone has been writing to Heidi and me about… you guessed it– Dog Drool. Gather around and curl up on your favorite rug and listen to the complete unabridged natural history of something that we all deal with every day.

First the tech stuff. What exactly is Dog Drool? Well it so happens that Heidi and I have done a complete chemical analysis of this amazing substance. For you vets and chemistry buffs the scientific name for dog drool is-

Di-ethyl-spit-oxide-1-1-drool-oxy-enanol-slimetrol

I know it’s a mouthful but some day this information may come in quite handy. Actually, Heidi and I spent hours in our Canine Research Lab working on this drool analysis. One night, I remember, we had scientific papers spread out all over the floor. Heidi had ordered a large cheese pizza with extra hot-dogs. When the delivery guy opened the door … you want to talk drool…all those papers ruined. So you ask…

When did the first dog drool?
Heidi and I have researched this point and have come to the conclusion it was on Tuesday. We’re not sure of the exact year, but it was a long, long time ago.

For you history and archeology buffs, you may be interested to know that fossil evidence tells us that as early as the Neolithic Period dogs were well on their way to drooling on a regular basis. Why right in the Swedish National Dog Drool Museum we have a stone taken from an early Neolithic caveman campsite on which you can clearly see drops of prehistoric drool etched for eternity right on the surface! My mouth waters every time I see this stone. Our guess is a canine was anxiously awaiting a prehistoric hotdog or biscuit when those prescious drops of drool hit that rock and made history. Since this first discovery dog archaeologists have been digging everywhere in an attempt to find ‘The Missing Drool’.

What makes us drool?
Again… a good question. You all know the feeling… that quickening around the flews… the feeling like it’s going to rain… the WHAM! You start drooling. The reason is DDH’s. That stands for Doggie Drool Hormones. DDH’s can be activated by sound, smell or sight.

OK… that’s cool but what can I do with drool?

1. Spot remover
2. Floor wax
3. Toy polish
4. Dish cleaner
5. Stamp moistener
6. Cat fur slicking agent
7. No Stick surface conditioner
8. General lubricant
9. Window fogger/decorator
10. Abstract art on any smooth surface
11. Special effects on your master’s clothes
12. Grout remover

You get the idea.. it seems endless doesn’t it. Now stop wagging your tails for a moment. I have a REAL LIFE drool story to tell you that happened to me last week. I call it the “Sacrificial Muffin and Texas Drool Massacre”. Here’s how it goes… and yes it’s TRUE!

Every day at about 4:00 p.m. my masters stop their printing business for afternoon tea and a snack. On this particular day female master was having a banana nut muffin with her tea. Now let me tell you I am not generally a pest at snack time but I LOVE banana muffins. She must have noticed my excitement so I mentally willed her to bring an extra muffin with her snack. She calls it the ‘sacrificial muffin’ which is used for two purposes. The first is so she can enjoy her snack in relative peace and the second is to absorb some drool. As you all know I don’t beg!

That’s right… I prefer to call it ‘The look of Compassion’. So here’s the scene… female master is sitting at the light table. Below me is an open box of printed folders ready to ship to Texas sitting on the floor. To be precise… right under my snout! With my best look of compassion I’m just waiting for an offering…. At this point DDH’s are fully activated and we got what you’d call a Class 3- Code Red drool situation! But that’s not the worst part!

Female master gets absorbed in reading a magazine… minutes seemed like hours… the drool was now starting to really work it’s way into that box! FINALLY! She tosses me an offering… OH NO! Texas Drool Massacre! She notices the box… a dash for some paper towels and the day is saved! Good thing….. drool acids are capable of eating right through paper.

Got a drool story? Share it with us! And check out our many special features in this Sixth Edition of Max’s Chronicles.