My sister Becky and I have finally found a way to get our Toast! Now listen up….as you all know, dough is one of the essential canine food groups. With the exception of maybe hot dogs, dough is right up at the top of the canine food pyramid! For you pups out there, here’s a quick list of the top 3 dough treats:

1. Toast (preferably buttered)
2. Muffin (any kind, with butter)
3. Cookie (butter…. hmmmm)

The Snack

OK – now back to our story. This event actually mostly happened – so it’s sorta a true story. Female Master was having a snack of toast so naturally Becky and I were sitting nearby hoping for a couple of crumbs. The real object of our tail-waggin’ desire was to snag an actual piece of toast.

Suddenly the toaster popped and one of the pieces of toast seemed to be a little overzealous. We think it may have been a little ‘top heavy’ because this one slice careens off the toaster and lands right on the floor. It all seemed to happen in slow motion. Pop! Spling! Splat!

Hit the pause button for a second – Now let me tell you pups the difference between female master and male master. Male master has what he calls the Genghis Kahn 5 second rule when something drops onto the floor. Here’s his theory. It takes at least 6 or more seconds for germs to get onto anything that lands on the floor. So he believes that if you pick something up in 5 seconds or less, it’s still fit for human (at least his) consumption.

Compare this (thankfully) to female master who’s theory is that ANYTHING landing on the floor is automatically a dog snack.

Back to the action – We all stared in awe at the piece of toast laying there, right in front of us, all warm and toasty-like. Gulp Gulp…. gone.

Becky and I looked at each other and I think we both thought of out next invention at the same time. We slipped out of the room and headed for our canine workshop.

A Spring is Added

What we needed was to be able to duplicate that freak toast accident ‘on demand’ without our masters being the least bit suspicious. This called for some basic dog ingenuity, a few parts from ACME Dog Supply House and a few simple tools.

What we figured we needed was a spring, our master’s toaster and a bit of luck. Sizing the spring was a bit tricky, but we realized we need a sure-fire way to gently ‘urge’ that toast to clear the top of the toaster. Once the ‘modified’ toaster was complete we set it back in the closet and waited for snack time to roll around.

One nice thing about humans is that they tend to eat the same snacks every day. This time we watched as our modified toaster started heating up. So far so good….. 5  -  4  -  3  -  2  -  1….

POP! ZZZWoosh! PaDooomp!

I will tell you right now – we really should have gone with the #3 spring rather than the #465 size – that toast would have gone into orbit if we had been outdoors – but hey! Looks like we got a winner here! Perfect toast everytime and right on the floor (wonder how that happened??)

For all you science buffs Heidi and I have completed the definitive work on the inner workings of a stick. All your questions are answered such as:

- Why do sticks do what they do?
- Are sticks habit forming?
-Where do sticks go when we lose them?
-Which end of the stick should I hold?
-Buy, lease or rent?
-Sticks in the house? Is it possible?
-If sticks are so great why doesn’t my master chew them?
-What’s the ideal age for a stick?
-City sticks? Do they exist?
-How do I determine the proper size stick?

The illustration on top shows you the working parts of a stick.

Next we’ll look inside a typical stick to see what makes it tick. Heidi and I did a CAT scan (isn’t that funny? Two dogs do a CAT scan!) on a stick and were surprised to learn that sticks are quite boring on the inside which leads us to believe that the ‘stick essence’ is located on the surface. Stick essence is what attracts dogs to sticks. This overwhelming attraction remains one of the great canine mysteries.

But first the legal stuff. This edition contains explicit details, descriptions and un-retouched photos of actual sticks. Some material may not be suitable for puppies under 16 weeks of age.

-A word from our sponsor
Now a word from our sponsor – The Stickenheimer National Stick Museum. Heidi and I are proud to be associated with this repository for the canine worlds rare, unusual, and one of a kind stick collection. Finally under one roof you can travel through time and see the actual sticks our ancestors played with. Included in the collection are prehistoric sticks, celebrity sticks, sticks in literature, petrified sticks and much more!

This month the Stickenheimer is hosting a special month long exhibit featuring ‘Stickzilla – The Mother of All Sticks’. Stickzilla is arguably the largest stick ever played with by a single Canine. It’s a must see. Open daily from 9 – 5. Admission – Adults 2 biscuits & puppies FREE (must be accompanied by an adult dog)

Heidi and I have been studying sticks for 4 years. We now believe we have uncovered the mystery…

- Where do sticks come from?
Nineteenth century Stickologists have been telling us for years that sticks come from trees but Heidi and I say Pfah! We are certain that sticks are a separate life form! Sure… you often find them in the forest and yes… they are normally located near trees but consider our theory. Sticks are a parasitic life form whose hosts are living trees! That explains why they are found near trees. Have any of you ever seen a stick fall from a tree? Of course not.

Many dogs write to us asking: - I live in a city and sticks are hard to find. What can I do?

A real good question. Fortunately for you city dogs Heidi and I have just released a new product called ‘Canine Stick Seeds’. Yes!

Now you can GROW your own sticks. Do you know how to dig? Great! You’re on your way to the exciting world of Stick Growing. Simply dig a hole, drop in a few ‘Canine Stick Seeds’ and stand back! You can practically see them pop out of the ground. (Actual germination and growing time will vary – usually about 1 dog year)

The good part is they are on sale this month for just $6.99. To simplify our accounting we’ve rounded off the price to $8.00. But the good news doesn’t end there. You’ll also get absolutely FREE Heidi’s new booklet entitled ‘Stick With It. Your Complete Guide to 17 Stick Games From Around The World!’

OK all you pups, we have to talk about it.

Everyone has been writing to Heidi and me about… you guessed it– Dog Drool. Gather around and curl up on your favorite rug and listen to the complete unabridged natural history of something that we all deal with every day.

First the tech stuff. What exactly is Dog Drool? Well it so happens that Heidi and I have done a complete chemical analysis of this amazing substance. For you vets and chemistry buffs the scientific name for dog drool is-

Di-ethyl-spit-oxide-1-1-drool-oxy-enanol-slimetrol

I know it’s a mouthful but some day this information may come in quite handy. Actually, Heidi and I spent hours in our Canine Research Lab working on this drool analysis. One night, I remember, we had scientific papers spread out all over the floor. Heidi had ordered a large cheese pizza with extra hot-dogs. When the delivery guy opened the door … you want to talk drool…all those papers ruined. So you ask…

When did the first dog drool?
Heidi and I have researched this point and have come to the conclusion it was on Tuesday. We’re not sure of the exact year, but it was a long, long time ago.

For you history and archeology buffs, you may be interested to know that fossil evidence tells us that as early as the Neolithic Period dogs were well on their way to drooling on a regular basis. Why right in the Swedish National Dog Drool Museum we have a stone taken from an early Neolithic caveman campsite on which you can clearly see drops of prehistoric drool etched for eternity right on the surface! My mouth waters every time I see this stone. Our guess is a canine was anxiously awaiting a prehistoric hotdog or biscuit when those prescious drops of drool hit that rock and made history. Since this first discovery dog archaeologists have been digging everywhere in an attempt to find ‘The Missing Drool’.

What makes us drool?
Again… a good question. You all know the feeling… that quickening around the flews… the feeling like it’s going to rain… the WHAM! You start drooling. The reason is DDH’s. That stands for Doggie Drool Hormones. DDH’s can be activated by sound, smell or sight.

OK… that’s cool but what can I do with drool?

1. Spot remover
2. Floor wax
3. Toy polish
4. Dish cleaner
5. Stamp moistener
6. Cat fur slicking agent
7. No Stick surface conditioner
8. General lubricant
9. Window fogger/decorator
10. Abstract art on any smooth surface
11. Special effects on your master’s clothes
12. Grout remover

You get the idea.. it seems endless doesn’t it. Now stop wagging your tails for a moment. I have a REAL LIFE drool story to tell you that happened to me last week. I call it the “Sacrificial Muffin and Texas Drool Massacre”. Here’s how it goes… and yes it’s TRUE!

Every day at about 4:00 p.m. my masters stop their printing business for afternoon tea and a snack. On this particular day female master was having a banana nut muffin with her tea. Now let me tell you I am not generally a pest at snack time but I LOVE banana muffins. She must have noticed my excitement so I mentally willed her to bring an extra muffin with her snack. She calls it the ‘sacrificial muffin’ which is used for two purposes. The first is so she can enjoy her snack in relative peace and the second is to absorb some drool. As you all know I don’t beg!

That’s right… I prefer to call it ‘The look of Compassion’. So here’s the scene… female master is sitting at the light table. Below me is an open box of printed folders ready to ship to Texas sitting on the floor. To be precise… right under my snout! With my best look of compassion I’m just waiting for an offering…. At this point DDH’s are fully activated and we got what you’d call a Class 3- Code Red drool situation! But that’s not the worst part!

Female master gets absorbed in reading a magazine… minutes seemed like hours… the drool was now starting to really work it’s way into that box! FINALLY! She tosses me an offering… OH NO! Texas Drool Massacre! She notices the box… a dash for some paper towels and the day is saved! Good thing….. drool acids are capable of eating right through paper.

Got a drool story? Share it with us! And check out our many special features in this Sixth Edition of Max’s Chronicles.

This month we feature the NEWFOUNDLAND!

Now let me tell you these are BIG dogs! Most of them have their own zip codes. When Heidi and I were writing our scientific paper on ‘Drool’ we used our friends- the Newfoundland breed- to help us out. Plenty of good research material… let me tell you! Incidentally, an upcoming Max’s Chronicles will deal with the subject of ‘Drool’- a rather delicate subject for humans- but… we tell it like it is!

One of the friendliest breeds, The ‘Newfoundland’ was originally used in cod fisheries to pull nets and boats ashore! Today teams of Newfoundlands are used in France to assist the emergency services in sea rescue.

This breed loves to rescue people from the water and will often ‘rescue’ a person who is not even in distress! Amazing!

Although a little (?) prone to drooling saliva, it is a benevolent giant and loyal friend.

BREED HISTORY
Descended from the now-extinct Greater St. John’s Dog, this large water loving breed has been bred to its present standard for over 100 years. Native North American, Viking and Iberian breeds may be included in its background.

KEY FACTS-
Country of Origin – Canada
Date of Origin – 1700′s
First use – Helping Fishermen
Use today – Companion, rescue
Life Expectancy – 11 years
Weight range 110-150 lbs
Height range – 26-28 inches

I have noticed over the years that a trip to the Vet is essentially a barrel of laughs for humans and has no redeeming qualities for us dogs. Why you ask? For starters let’s look at the features of a typical Vets office.

1. Vets have banded together and apparently spent millions of dollars in research to come up with an ultra slippery flooring material which no canine on the planet can get a grip on to make a quick exit. You’ve all been there…. felt the toe nails desperately trying to grip… heard the all familiar ‘clickety clickety clickety’ sound as we try and escape.

2. All over the world Vet Robots are employed to manufacture incredibly sharp objects which inevitably end up being inserted into various parts of our bodies while humans say things like ‘Oh… you’ll just feel a little bitty pinch…’ Right.

3. Have you ever noticed there are absolutely no sticks, toys, frisbees, tennis balls, hot dogs or pizza in a Vets office? Yet our masters bring us to these places like we’re going to Disney World!

4. We are confronted by a maze of small rooms which are carefully set up to take our minds off the fact that Vets think we actually want to get up on a stainless steel table no wider than a butter knife!

5. This has not yet been confirmed but Heidi and I are close to finding the whereabouts of the factory which produces ‘Vet’s Office Odors’. Yeah… you all know what I’m talking about. Those ‘unique’ smells that Vet’s pipe into their offices. The purpose? To reduce the mightiest and bravest dog to a mass of quivering jelly.

OK….I know what some of you are thinking. “Wow this Max dude has gone too far…. I LOVE going to the Vet. What’s the big deal?”

This subject inevitably arises whenever we write about Vets. You may be shocked at what I’m about to tell you… so you may want to sit! Heidi and I (mostly me, actually) believe that dogs such as yourself who enjoy the ‘Vet experience’ were actually abducted by aliens when you were puppies and underwent some form of mind control. Go ahead…. wag your tail! We will continue to research this phenomena at the Lab.

Finally, Heidi and I have conducted an informal and impartial survey and we both agree that the perfect Vets Office would-

The Grip-Um Company

This month Heidi and I are pleased to welcome our newest sponsor – The Grip-Um Company, makers of the strap-on ‘Grip Rite Paw Covers’. The world’s only paw covers that are GUARANTEED to get you out of the Vet’s office FAST!

When you see that needle coming at you and you need to make a quick get-away, don’t settle for imitations – get genuine Grip Rites.

Don’t take our word for it! Listen to what other dogs just like you have to say about Grip Rite Paw Covers:

I haven’t had a shot or ANY organ removed since I bought my Grip Rites! I love ‘em!
Tiny – Boston Mass

It took 3 Vets and 6 Technicians an hour to peel me off the ceiling…. these paw covers are mondo!
Ellie – Hartford, Conn

Neutered??? Thanks to Grip Rites I wasn’t around long enough even to find out what it means!
Biffy- Portland Oregon

The Tech Stuff-
How do Grip Rites work? Grip Rites are patented paw covers that use the most advanced computer designed ‘micro-suction’ technology.

First introduced in Europe to aid large dogs who were having trouble chasing those pesky cats in the neighborhood, we have discovered that the real power of these paw covers is in their ability to quickly propel any size dog out of any vet’s office regardless of how slippery they’ve made their floors.
Our dog engineers have re-designed, modified and enhanced the original paw covers from the ground up. We’ve modified and patented the micro suction technology… in other words we’ve done all the hard work so all you have to do is locate an open door or window!

Max and Heidi are the world’s only authorized Grip-Um distributor. We are pleased to offer for the first time these patented miracle Grip Rite Paw Covers. Remember… these are 100% Vet Disapproved! Grip Rites come 3 to a box (Most of you will need 2 boxes) and regularly sell for $29.95!

But this month only (and you’ll have to act now) Grip Rites can be yours for $29.94! Yes… Heidi and didn’t hold back! We’ve slashed the price just for you! To take advantage of this amazing one time offer simply jot your name on the back of a twenty dollar bill and mail it along with your order to-

Max and Heidi
Italian Villa Restoration & Remodeling Fund
Como, Italy

It’s that simple! Please note we highly recommend all dogs using Grip Rite Paw Covers wear adequate head protection.

The letters keep pouring in about our Biscuit Replicator- here’s one:

Dear Heidi and Max, Thank you for your prompt service in delivering our new Acme Biscuit Replicator

Amazingly, the three semi-tractor trailer rigs pulled up to my masters house exactly 1 week to the day after they signed the second mortgage papers for phase one of your easy financing plan.

I am writing this note by ‘paw’ because there was a wee problem during the installation and testing procedure. It looked as if some dog had drooled on the set up manual (page 426) where it describes how to connect the reactor unit to the high speed biscuit shoot tube. My masters couldn’t make out if it was the green or red wire which was supposed to go to lug #1. So… they guessed.

Anyway, in my opinion the town looks ever so much better without all the tall buildings. There’s now so much more room to play stick!

Also, my master suffered a mild concussion when we finally powered up. He apparently never saw the warning sticker about the incredible speed at which your nifty little device delivers the fresh, hot homemade biscuits. He is expected to make a complete recovery.

As a final note, we expect power to be restored to what is left of our little town by next week when I’ll update you by e-mail as to how we are making out. All communications both in and out of the town are being attended to around the clock. Thanks again,
‘Goldie’

Dear Goldie,
As you’ve probably guessed by now it was the ‘red’ wire.
/Max

Heidi and I receive many letter each month from our canine friends all over the world. This month I’d like to share a letter that deals with our favorite subject – ‘Sticks’ Here it is:

Dear Max, It’s me – FiFi your little ‘bonbon’ from Paris. Oh, Max you’re so handsome! I download your pictures every day and put them in my kennel….

Ooops!… sorry…. wrong letter. Ah! Here’s the one I was looking for! This one is from ‘Lefty’ who lives in Akron, Ohio. He writes:

Dear Max, Yesterday my master threw a stick for me and it broke in two pieces when it hit the ground!!! My question is- Which piece should I bring back to him? I MUST know! Please help.
Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,
I’m glad you asked that question, Lefty. You may not realize this but Heidi and I receive more letters each week asking ‘stick’ related questions than any other subject.

To answer your question, Lefty, it’s the left half. Yes, my confused friend, the left half is right. Listen carefully- you’re right if you choose left. That’s right. However the left half may end up on the right when the stick breaks. If that happens then the right is to be left on the left. Right? Now you have the left on the right and that means you can turn and face your master so the left is back on the left and not the right.

It’s his left but your right. The right is to be left where is landed. If you left the left and took the right then you have basically left the left and taken the right but not the right one! That’s wrong, right? That piece should have been left on the right.

Have I left anything out? No, I’m sure I’m right. Now that should clear things up… right?
/ Max

Going to the Vet? One of the secrets to a successful trip to the Vet is learning to relax. In this feature our resident Zen Dog will help you achieve complete relaxation through a technique called ‘The Guided Meditation’. With this technique you will enter the ‘alpha-fido’ state of consciousness where you will be able to detach yourself from the ‘Vet Experience’.

This is best done an hour before leaving for the Vets Office. Let’s get started.

Find a quiet room with a soft rug, carpet, bed or pad to lie on. Make sure there are no humans around to disturb you.

OK. Now curl up and slowly close your eyes. Take a deep breath and exhale. Really flap your flews…. that’s it! Bring your attention to your tail. Relax the tail wagging muscles and breathe into your tail…. feel the healing energy and exhale. You’re doing great. Next, breathe into your paws… feel the healing energy flow into your paws…. exhale.

Imagine you’re lying in the soft sand on a sun drenched beach. The sky is blue and there are a few fluffy clouds in the summer sky. The only smell is the aroma of freshly steamed hot dogs wafting in the gently breeze as it caresses your nose. Ahhhhh…… you have no cares or worries.

Later today you will remember this feeling as you spend some quality time with your health care provider….

Slowly bring your attention back to your breathing and begin to open your eyes. You have entered the ‘alpha-fido’ state and you are ready!

/The Zen Dog
Peace